The Pet Shop: Hamsters

Ivan was sure he’d remember a new pet shop opening up in town, being the only animal control unit nearby, but he was still puzzling over the call. When he arrived at the address he was able to confirm that this was, in fact, a new establishment. He parked his truck out front and entered to find the store clerk in a panic behind the counter as she loaded slug rounds into a shotgun.

“Animal control, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?” As he looked around the store he didn’t notice anything out of place. Normal animals in intact tanks and cages, no sign of anything breaking out.

“The hamsters in the back room got loose, damn stasis machine blew a fuse.” She peered over the counter at Ivan. “No full-body armor suit? Is that jacket even acid-proofed? You can’t be animal control.”

Ivan looked down at his outfit. He was wearing his usual work outfit of thickened jeans, a brown polo and a leather jacket with boots. What in the world was she expecting? “Hamster’s, ma’am? I think you might be overreacting a little. They won’t hurt anyone, we just need to round them up.”

“Won’t hurt anyone? Dammit don’t you know anything? Those hamsters aren’t processed for sale yet. They could kill dozens of people!” She slung the shotgun behind her back and beckoned Ivan to the backroom. Beyond the doors are all sorts of machines and devices that make no sense to Ivan. He’d even been in government labs before to deal with mice and the tech he saw there didn’t even look similar to this. They reached a machine that looked like a case used for sandblasting, with a dozen broken tubes that look like they were hamster-sized. But the holes leading out of the machine and through the back wall of the store were large enough to fit mountain lions.

“I guess you’re new to your job, then, if this surprises you. I’ll give you the quick rundown for now. Some predators in nature use a baiting technique to draw in prey, like a limb that produces light or a tail that resembles a worm. Others take a more direct and literal bait-and-switch. Hamsters are a weaker cousin of an extinct apex predator. They actually have two physical bodies that are held in metaphysical opposition, meaning only one body can exist in reality at any time. The cute creature you know as a hamster is just the bait, to lure in predators of intermediary status on the food chain. Once the prey moves in on the bait, a special gland in the hamster triggers it to swap to its hunting body, and then it goes in for the kill.” She explained as she started opening up what seemed to be power armor.

“Hold on, WHAT?! If that’s even remotely true, then WHY ARE THEY SOLD AS PETS?!” Ivan was having a surreal experience and was having trouble following the whole thing.

As the clerk began climbing into the power armor she continued. “We obviously remove that gland while the hamsters are in stasis so that it’s permanently stuck in its bait form. They’re perfectly harmless and safe to sell after that point.” The armor closed shut and powered up. “Since you’re clearly untrained for animal control, I want you to make sure civilians avoid the area around here. Hamsters are territorial so they shouldn’t wander too far.”

“I-I … shouldn’t we call the police, o-o-or the army?” Ivan stuttered as he finally noticed that the hole in the wall of the pet shop was melted, not smashed. “I usually deal with stuff like loose dogs and raccoon infestations.”

The lady in the power armor pumped her shotgun and headed for the back door. “Raccoons? Yeah right. Stop joking around and make sure those hamsters don’t find anyone to eat.”

(Originally written 12/21/2015)